Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
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