Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize
