So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Randomize
