Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
she has a miserable personality but its a good think you dont have sex with that
pussy has no personality
Amen to that
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
