i just google imaged poop.
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Randomize
