Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
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