I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I touched a dick in church today
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