she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
my shit smells like andre
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
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