Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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