I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize
