When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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