dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
Randomize
