How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Randomize
