I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
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