At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
we've had sex 4 times and he still refers to me as 'the chick in my chem class'
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
