Hahaha, sighhhh...I texted him to no response. It's a shame, really...I would gladly exchange my body for pizza rills.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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