chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
