Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Randomize
