why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
