I think i sorta joined a cult last night
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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