I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
