Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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