dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
