The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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