You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
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