I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
