The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
Randomize
