It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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