He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Randomize
