There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
