just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Randomize
