I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
