exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
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