if i can run in heels then i can drive
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Randomize
