she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
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