I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
