I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Randomize
