If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
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