Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
You ate ashes out of my bong
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