I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
