she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
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Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
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