It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
