i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
