god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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