You made me cry and you don't even care
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
