You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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