I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
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