You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
