I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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