I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
I murdered the dance floor call the cops
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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