im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
Walk of Shame today included voting.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
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