We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Randomize
