I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
