It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
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